I began writing this on my twentieth wedding anniversary. Yes, on the actual day. Typing out the word “twentieth” next to the word married is surreal to me. Twenty sounds significant, strong and stable. Twenty years ago today I spent my wedding night at a cute bed and breakfast four blocks away from where I now live in a little beach town. Talk about full circle. The little bed and breakfast is now gone, and my marriage is just getting better and better. If it sounds like I’m bragging, maybe I am. I’m grateful and proud of my partnership, the best one of anyone I know of. Am I lucky? For sure. Are we a “good match.” I have no doubt. Are we “special”? Nope, we are just normal people. Like most partnerships it hasn’t been all rainbows, butterflies and roses for twenty years. My marriage has included many of the same life roller coaster moments as many couples. Tough times together include miscarriages, buying and selling two homes, moving out of state and back, career changes, financial stress, near death heath scares, and depression. The biggest lessons about being married are probably yet to come, and I’m looking forward to those. Thus far, here are the five top lessons that I’ve learned since getting married twenty years ago today.
Lesson 1: Make your marriage the number 1 priority.
This may be a controversial lesson for some who think that kids, or god, or you should be your number one priority. In my experience of being married for twenty years, if your marriage sucks, it trickles down to make everything else in your life suck too. You voluntarily made a “death till you part” promise, and as you share daily meals, a home and a bed together if you and your partner aren’t getting along your overall life is going to suck.
My marriage is slightly more important than work, kids, friendships, and family. My partner is my “ride or die,” and I take our marriage into account whenever big or small life decisions are made. Quality time together is slightly more of a priority than everything else. In my marriage this manifests as regular date nights, eating meals together, going to sleep at the same time, having “us” shows, consulting each other before calendaring events, considering our relationship when brainstorming future goals, refraining from using the word divorce, treating our relationship as our most valuable asset, and if our marriage is sucking learning how to be a better partner. We are each other's “circle of trust.” We don’t spill the tea behind each other's back, I have his back and know he has mine. We don’t tell “my old lady” or “ball and chain” stories because If you say it, you manifest it. Maintaining a supportive, healthy, loving partnership is my top priority, period.
Lesson 2: Support each other’s passions with fervor.
Hands down, “supporting each other’s passions with fervor” is the north star for me when it comes to growing together over time in marriage. Think about the times when your partner is their best and most authentic self. In my experience, it is when they are engaged fully in their passion. It puts the person in a great mood, encourages the best version of themselves to shine, and provides them with an afterglow of gratitude for your support. Your partner's passion could be intellectual, social, artistic, athletic, or even spiritual. The key I’ve found to lesson number 2 is: Your partner's passion DOES NOT have to be the same as your own. Whatever it is, support it with fervor anyway.
What do I mean by “fervor?” Fervor means that your support is 100%. You totally appreciate that your partner's passion needs to be a priority some days over you, over family, over work. In the real world, it looks like going out of your way to encourage your partner to get out and do their passion even if it doesn’t involve you. This might be a ski or golf day, a live sports game, or a weekend trip. If your partner approaches you to see if it's cool if they block off your shared calendar for a day or two to do their passion, respond with encouragement and positivity. Your partner will be happier, more fulfilled, and will know that you “get them” when you support their passion with fervor. It's a total win-win for your marriage.
For example, for several decades my partner really enjoyed fishing. He enjoys harvesting wild seafood just about anywhere and doing so makes him super happy. I hate to fish, loathe fishy smells, am subject to getting seasick, and don’t eat much seafood. It's not something that I do with him very often, but I’ll go along sometimes just to enjoy the boat ride, look for whales or dolphins, enjoy the natural serenity of a lake or ocean, or to eat boat snacks and pray that the trip is almost over. It's NOT my passion. But supporting his passion with fervor is my passion.
My husband has endlessly supported my own passions such as studying abroad, getting a PhD, relocating out of state for internships and work, working out, minimalism, pescetarianism, moving to the beach and most recently girls only surf trips. It's made the both of us feel more joy in life, pursuing the goals and dreams that we have individually with the full enthusiastic support of our partner.
Lesson 3: Communicate often with respect.
This third lesson about timely, respectful communication isn’t news to anyone in a long term relationship. It is a cornerstone of my marriage. I’m a verbal communicator, so I prefer to give and receive communication from my partner via conversation. As a result, I wield the silent treatment like a nuclear weapon. I won't even look my partner in the eye during a major silent treatment. Things are not going well when I shut down and stop communicating.
What makes communication timely and respectful? Timely communication is as soon as is practical when you both can discuss an issue respectfully. It's great if you can have some privacy, and give strong emotions like anger a chance to calm down. Are any of you tired, hangry, or dysregulated? Wait a bit until you can both be open and ready to be vulnerable. But don’t wait too long, a few days at most as long as it is respectful. The longer I wait to discuss a problem the more of a wedge it often becomes between my partner and I. Respectful communication is a non negotiable in my relationship. Screaming, cussing, name calling is a no go. We are both adults with fully formed frontal lobes and emotional intelligence. We chose a committed partnership and both of us deserve respectful communication- full stop. Have I ever yelled or cussed at my spouse? Of course I have, it made me feel like a heaping pile of hot poop. I hate feeling like that, so we choose respectful communication.
In my marriage, timely respectful communication manifests itself by “business meetings” and “notices.” I got the idea of “business meetings” from blogger and author Tim Ferris. Business meetings are basically when each of us gets a chance in a non judgmental way, of assessing how our relationship is going. Business meetings don’t happen very often, usually quarterly and they occur when each of us has one or two grievances we need to air. We chat about what is going well, how we are feeling about the partnership, and what needs some extra attention. Short and sweet is best, maybe a half and hour tops. It helps to celebrate the positive too, and then end with one or two tangible behaviors that you each can commit to working toward being a better partner. This could look like committing to a weekly date night, taking on some additional adulting duties, or finding outside resources to grow as a better partner. Business meetings usually occur quarterly, but sometimes pop up as needed, usually while out on a long walk. Having business meetings in a neutral space works best for us. If we have an issue that is kind of small, and doesn’t warrant a full business meeting, then we simply express an issue that is “on notice.” For example, I can get put “on notice” for being closed off, or snappy. It allows my partner in a structured way to give me feedback so I can make adjustments and not spiral into a full nag factory. It also gives me a tool to air my own complaints in a loving way that will lead to compromise and closeness, rather than resentment and bottled up feelings.
Lesson 4: Be vulnerable.
Being vulnerable can be tough. Who wants to admit to and then share with another human their weaknesses and flaws? I certainly don't! I’m a career minded mom, and I used to view being vulnerable as negative. I was wrong. I’ve found that vulnerability is a superpower and key to increasing intimacy and connection. When it comes to your life partner, being vulnerable can boost intimacy by making you look like a real human being and taking the pressure off of your partner to seem “perfect.”
Being vulnerable is super difficult for me, and it's taken me years to get more comfortable admitting my faults and sharing my weaknesses with my husband. Perhaps this is just what happens after you turn forty and you don’t give a f@*% what other people's judgements are of you. For me, once I started being more vulnerable I felt like I was being more “myself.” I felt like I was able to let my partner see the real me, “warts” and all. Surprisingly, it made me feel super close to my partner. It's ironic that admitting to your faults, allows your partner to admit their faults too. We are only human after all. Vulnerability allows walls to drop between partners, even walls that have been up for years.
Particularly in the last half of being married I can admit to my husband that I dislike cooking, I’m a terrible long haul driver, I am an obsessive neat freak, I’m not touchy feely, I’m not a late night nor an early morning person, I hate losing, and my emotional regulation stinks the week before my cycle. If I could rewind back twenty years it would have been great if I could have been vulnerable about these things sooner. So admit to your faults, be vulnerable with your partner, and watch your intimacy soar.
Lesson 5: Get on the same financial page.
The last lesson I’ve learned deals with finances. Finance has a very non romantic vibe to it. I think that in many relationships couples avoid financial discussions and planning. This leaves your partnership vulnerable to the ups and downs of your bank accounts. When you are married, you are building an estate together that will fund all of your future life goals and cushion you both from unexpected emergencies. So, like it or not finances matter a TON and have tanked more relationships than one would expect.
Before I was married, I made it a point to share some costs with my partner for shared goals. In college this looked like sharing the costs of birth control, a tent, a bear box and pooling funds together for trips. More than just about the money, sharing costs and pooling funds together was more of a symbolic gesture. It showed that we had shared interests and goals, and wanted to work together financially to make them a reality.
While my partner and I have never made the exact same income, since being married all funds were treated as shared resources. Our philosophy is that our financial resources needed to grow over time, and we wanted to have the most fun together without wasting any of our funds on stuff that we didn’t value. While I am the CFO of our partnership, financial moves like investing, retirement, purchasing a home, cars and boats, vacations, and budgeting has always been a collaborative process centered around trust, shared goals, and clear data. Clear data really helps the most! As a couple, together we review our fInancial dashboard biannually. This helps us get on the same page with the real numbers on spending, saving, investments, and targets to the future. Getting on this same financial page has allowed my partner to retire at the age of forty three, for us to enjoy a robust annual vacation budget, to fund future retirement, our children's college studies, and their future weddings all while living below our means.
I trust my partner with our finances and he trusts me. If one of us wants to buy something pricey for fun, that's totally cool. We don’t need “permission” from each other because we are aligned on our long and short term financial goals.
So, these are my lessons learned from being married for twenty years. Being in a relationship is not rocket science, but it is a complicated thing. I am by no means an expert, but I have a wonderful marriage, and it's the accomplishment of my life. If you are open to improving your own partnership give one of these five lessons a try. I bet your partner will approve.
Lesson 1: Make your marriage the number 1 priority.
Lesson 2: Support each other’s passions with fervor.
Lesson 3: Communicate often with respect.
Lesson 4: Be vulnerable.
Lesson 5: Get on the same financial page.
-Rhea P.
The author and partner on their wedding day in 2004.
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